0:00

When I was working as the education policy advisor for the governor of Utah,

0:05

I was approached by a group of elementary school students

0:08

who reached out asking for my help.

0:10

These young entrepreneurs were learning how to create their own businesses,

0:15

and they had decided to create a portrait business.

0:18

If you sent them a photo and $6,

0:21

they would sketch your portrait.

0:24

Well I was eager to support these students,

0:27

and so I sent this photo of my oldest son.

0:31

He's a musician.

0:32

And I've always thought that this picture really captured his personality.

0:36

So I sent in my $6 and waited.

0:39

This is what I got back.

0:44

(Laughter and applause)

0:48

How fantastic is this, right?

0:50

The blue beard, the whole vibe.

0:53

My son loved this so much that it's hanging in his studio.

0:56

(Laughter)

0:57

I loved it so much, I wanted them to draw me.

1:00

So I sent this photo of my husband and me.

1:05

We were out to dinner for my birthday.

1:06

It's one of my favorite photos.

1:08

For $6, this is what I got back.

1:14

(Laughter)

1:21

Ouch.

1:24

(Laughter)

1:26

It can be a little painful

1:27

when you realize that the way you see yourself is dramatically --

1:32

(Laughter)

1:33

Dramatically different from how other people see you.

1:36

But that gap, that difference in perspective,

1:39

can also be powerful.

1:41

Because when we learn to see ourselves through a new lens,

1:44

it can open a path to growth.

1:46

And it just might be the key to strengthening democracy.

1:50

A few years ago, my family was struggling,

1:53

not because we didn't love each other,

1:55

but because like a lot of families,

1:57

our political differences had started to impact the way

2:01

we interacted with each other.

2:03

We're a politically diverse family.

2:05

I have five kids who belong to five political parties.

2:08

(Laughter)

2:10

I have an independent,

2:12

a Democrat,

2:13

a Democratic socialist,

2:15

a libertarian

2:17

and a Republican.

2:19

And my husband and I have different political views as well.

2:22

He is an unaffiliated conservative,

2:24

and I am a moderate Republican.

2:27

We're basically our own focus group.

2:29

(Laughter)

2:31

I've always considered raising kids with independent views a parenting win.

2:38

(Applause)

2:41

But during this time, it didn't feel like anyone was winning.

2:45

Conversations got tense.

2:47

Sometimes we argued, but mostly we just avoided talking

2:50

about anything that could stir controversy.

2:54

[At] our Thanksgiving dinners, we implemented the no-politics rule.

2:58

But even then, an unguarded comment could break the truce.

3:02

Slowly, I recognized something else coming into our conversations

3:07

and our interactions.

3:08

It was more than disagreement.

3:11

It was more than conflict.

3:13

It was contempt.

3:15

Now we’re living in a culture of contempt.

3:18

You see it everywhere:

3:20

on social media, on cable news, on talk radio

3:24

and especially in politics.

3:26

Contempt is this feeling that you're better than those people,

3:30

that their views aren't just wrong, but dangerous.

3:34

And they’re not just mistaken --

3:36

they're evil.

3:38

And when contempt enters a conversation,

3:40

everything changes.

3:42

It changes the way we see each other.

3:44

It erodes trust.

3:45

It weakens relationships and divides communities.

3:49

Over time, it damages democracy itself.

3:54

The antidote to contempt is dignity.

3:58

Dignity is the inherent worth of every human being.

4:02

Not because of what we believe,

4:03

not because of what we achieve,

4:05

but because we are human.

4:08

And if contempt says, “I see myself above you,”

4:12

dignity says, “I see myself in you.”

4:16

And when contempt pulls us apart,

4:17

dignity can bring us back together.

4:20

In our families, our communities

4:23

and our country.

4:25

Now if contempt is so damaging

4:28

and dignity is so healing,

4:31

what if we had a way to see both more clearly?

4:34

That question led my colleagues and me to create something

4:37

called “The Dignity Index.”

4:40

It’s a simple scale that measures how we treat each other,

4:42

or the language that we use when we disagree.

4:45

The scale goes from one to eight,

4:47

and on one side of the scale is contempt.

4:51

This is where we dismiss others.

4:53

Maybe we mock them, we dehumanize,

4:56

and we ultimately condone or even commit acts of violence

4:59

and feel virtuous about it.

The Art of Disagreeing with Dignity | Tami Pyfer | TED