People Without Children Have NO IDEA What It's Like! | Michael McIntyre

And there are people in this room who do have children, and there are people in this room who don't have children.

And the people who don't have children, they think they know, don't they? They think they know. They know what it means to have children.

Sometimes they chat about it, don't they, in their little couples. You know, oh, I'd love to start a family one day with you. It'd be lovely. You'd make a really good dad.

I think you'd be an amazing mom. Wouldn't it be so lovely having little versions of you and me running around? I'd love to have a family.

And you think you know what you're talking about. You have no idea.

You have no idea what it's like. You have no idea how difficult, how difficult things will become in your life.

Things that you don't even consider to be things will become nearly impossible when you have children.

I'm talking about things like leaving the house, for example. This is how people without children leave the house.

Shall we leave the house? Yes.

This is how I leave the house almost every day. Lucas, Oscar! Come downstairs. We're late. Why aren't you downstairs?

Put your shoes on. I don't know where my shoes are. Put your shoes on. Go and find your shoes. Where did you see them last? On my feet.

After that. Get your shoes on. Come here. Come here. Arms up. Arms up. Arms in. Arms in. Arms up. Arms up. Arms in. That's my wife.

She's so tired, she can't dress herself. What? What are you doing? What on? Darling, where are we going?

I'm trying to go to bed. Where are we going, darling? Darling, you've got Lucas's shoes on your hands. I found your shoes, darling. You put your shoes on.

Where's Ozzy? Come downstairs! We're late! Put your coat on. I don't want to wear my coat.

You know people without children, you know how you do zips up. I've seen how much time you have in your lives. How you focus on it.

You get the one with the fabric, you just pop it in, don't you? It nestles in.

Then you pause, thinking about your free life and what you might need to do later that day. And then you just glide up, don't you?

To think I have time for that shit in my life. Every single morning. Stay still!

You're going to have to put another coat on. I've ruined this. I've ruined this. I'm sorry.

I've made the situation worse. Ozzy! My three-year-old will never come downstairs. The only way to get him to leave the house is we have to bluff.

We have to pretend that we're leaving without him. It's the only way it'll work. We have to all go, bye-bye, Ozzy. We're all going then. My other son loves it, the six-year-old.

We're leaving Ozzy. Are you going to stay here? I hate him. I hate him. Don't be so rude about your brother. Say goodbye. We're not really leaving.

We're pretending to leave. Okay? Say goodbye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye, Aussie. Bye-bye. But he doesn't care. He just goes, bye-bye.

Then we have to come back in and explain to him, we're not really leaving, darling. We love you. It's okay. I'll buy you something if you come. Will you come if I buy you something?

This is every single time we leave the house. The other day, we're leaving the house, and I've just had enough. I just said to my wife, I'm sorry, I can't do this. We're bluffing. We're saying bye-bye to him.

Then my wife says, let's go and get him. We're like, stop. No, I've had it. No. Stop. I cannot go through this every single time we leave the house.

He's driving me. Insane. Okay? I say we call his bluff. I think he has to learn a lesson. Okay?

Let's go. Let's just go. Let's go to Corfu. Let's have a nice holiday.

You have no idea what it's like. You childless people. You have no idea. Driving. You go driving.

You're driving cars, don't you? Driving along. Yay! What's the biggest drama you have to put up with? Oh, it's a bit chilly. Oh, put the blower on. Oh, that's nice now.

Oh, look, they've opened a new Carluccio. We should go there. We could go there any night. We could go there any night.

Oh, what's this song? I love this one. Freedom! Freedom!

I strap my children into the car. I work out what'll cut off the blood supply, off the blood supply then I ease it a bit. Stay there!

We try and behave normally. Oh, what's this song? It's the wheels on the bus.

Again, again! Look, there's a new Carluccio there.

We will never go there. The other day I was checking my children in the rearview mirror to see that they're safe.

We're on the motorway, okay? I look like... You just angle it to check that they're both okay because, you know, you're looking after them, neither of them were there.

They had both wound the windows down and had their heads on the motorway out of the window. Yay!

Both of them, either side. Yay! My wife and I just lost it. Get the fuck out!

They can't hear us, they're having the times of their lives. Yay! Daddy, what are you saying, Daddy?

On the motorway, going 80 miles an hour, I had to stick my head out of my window to try Try and communicate with my child.

Get in the car! What are you saying? My wife's doing it too. Get in the car! What is it, Bobby?