Family Guy - No, but I’m ready for therapy
0:01
看看那个。看看蛋糕。生日快乐，查理和克雷格叔叔。克雷格叔叔的名字用不同的颜色写的。
Look at that. Look at the cake. Happy birthday, Charlie and Uncle Craig. And Uncle Craig's written in a different color.
0:08
哦，可怜的克雷格叔叔。嘿，那是你的前女友，奥利维亚吗？天啊，她在这里干什么？她总是个噩梦。奥利维亚？
Oh, poor Uncle Craig. Hey, is that your ex-girlfriend, Olivia? God, what's she doing here? She was always such a nightmare. Olivia?
0:18
哦，我的天，我看起来还好吗？我讨厌这件衬衫。换衬衫！换衬衫！
Oh, my God, do I look okay? I hate this shirt. Switch shirts! Switch shirts!
0:29
弗兰克，大家都去哪儿了？这本该是我们的大开幕之夜。我告诉你问题出在哪里。每个成功的餐厅都有一个吸引人的点或噱头。这就是我们缺少的。
Frank, where the hell is everybody? This was supposed to be our big opening night I'll tell you what the problem is Every successful restaurant has a hook or a gimmick That's what we're lacking
0:38
不，我们不是，弗兰克，你就是那个吸引人的点。没错，我们只需要让你成为餐厅的面孔。
No, we're not Frank, you're the hook That's right, we just need to make you the face of the restaurant
0:44
可能是我今天早上吃的五条蒜蓉面包在作怪，但我觉得这是个好主意。所以戈比上了升降机。
It may be the five loaves of garlic bread I ate this morning talking But I think that's a swell idea So Gobi gets up on the lift.
0:51
别介意我。我要自己拿一杯泥浆。我喜欢我的黑色。黑得像夜晚。黑得像罪恶。你知道我在说什么吗？
Don't mind me. Just grab myself a cup of mud. I like mine black. Black as night. Black as sin. You know what I'm saying?
0:59
我还没自我介绍。我的团队里的人叫我“扳手”。布莱恩，现在不是你的休息时间。出去帮忙顾客。布莱恩？
Haven't introduced myself. Guys in my crew call me the Ratchet. Brian, it's not your break. Get out there and help the customers. Brian?
1:07
你是谁，我的父亲吗？这个家伙。出去吧。是，先生。
Who are you, my father? This guy. Get out there. Yes, sir.
1:12
那个家伙根本不知道我有多努力。鸟！一只鸟进来了。太棒了。
That guy's got no idea how hard I'm working. Bird! A bird got in. Awesome.
1:35
祝你生活愉快，G先生。你的阴茎露出来了。你想进来吗？嗨，彼得·格里芬，色眯眯的爸爸。
Have a good life, Mr. G. Your penis is out. Would you like to come in? Hi, Peter Griffin, Leering Dad.
1:42
快速问一下。在《Shake It Off》中，你邀请我们来享受，引用一下，这个病态的节拍。
Quick question. In Shake It Off, you invite us to get down to, quote, this sick beat.
1:48
然而你提供的节拍相当温和。我的问题是：我可以舔你的腿吗？该死。这似乎不太奏效。
Yet the beat you then provide is rather mild. My question is this. May I lick your legs? Damn it. This doesn't seem to be working.
1:55
显然，洛伊斯。你不能只去公园列出一堆无聊的事实。
Well, obviously, Lois. You can't just go to a park and list a bunch of boring facts.
2:00
你得让事情变得有趣，就像我当时作为一名歌词密度不均的酒吧歌手时。
You gotta spice things up, like I did when I was a lounge singer with uneven lyric density.
2:05
这是一首我为我美丽的女朋友写的歌。她的名字是金。
This is a song I wrote for my beautiful girlfriend. Her name is Kim.
2:11
我不明白你的父亲为什么对我们有这么多问题，金。
I don't understand why your father has such problems with us, Kim.
2:16
主要是因为我没有按时还车贷，但还有其他原因。
mostly I think it's because I don't make my car payments on time but also
2:19
因为我同时在和金约会，嘿。
because I was dating someone else at the same time as Kim hey
2:22
我是你虐待的父亲，我从这个罐子里喝了一整天。哦，我的天，那是一个装满色情内容的罐子。嘿，寡妇道格拉斯，我想和我爸爸住在一起。
I'm your abusive dad and I've been drinking all day from this here jug oh my god is that a jug full of porn hey Widow Douglas I want to live with my dad
2:31
闭嘴，现在来吧，我需要用你的尿。我明天要参加一个小车测试。
shut your hoe now come on I need to use your pee I'm taking a wagon test in the morning
2:37
我希望你不要喝这么多，别再数我的酒了，快过来让我揍你。哎呀！该死！
I wish you wouldn't drink so much stop counting my drinks now get over here so I can whip you Ow! Crap!
2:45
不！是的，没错，贱人。现在轮到你了。不！
No! Yeah, that's right, bitch. Now it's your turn. No!
2:55
感觉太皱了。再试一次。感觉太皱了。你完了，哈哈。
Feel too crinkly. Try again. Feel too crinkly. You're done la funny.
3:03
这对你来说一定很困难。确实如此。这里有很多选择。但我不想和你说话。看看这两个肿块。
This must be so difficult for you. It is. There's a lot of choices here. But I ain't talking to you. Look at these two lumps.
3:10
我把他的现代阴茎弄坏了，爸爸。你为什么还穿着那个圣诞老人？
I broke his modern penis, Dad. Why are you still wearing that Santa?
3:14
好吧，商场里的那个家伙让我一直待到圣诞节，我答应了，因为当圣诞老人太棒了。你穿上这套衣服，就像是有了免费通行证。
Well, the guy at the mall asked me to stay on till Christmas, and I said yes, because being Santa's awesome. You wear this suit, it's like a free pass.
3:20
人们让你做任何你想做的事情。你在说什么？哦，这就是梦想的东西，洛伊斯。
People let you do anything you want. What are you talking about? Oh, it's the stuff of dreams, Lois.
3:25
免费墨西哥卷饼，免费橙鸡，免费椒盐卷饼。你从美食广场出来了吗？我到了边境。
Free burritos, free orange chicken, free pretzels. Did you make it out of the food court? I made it to the border.
3:31
我得到了一个免费的iPhone手机壳和一个小车牌。上面写着Cory。是的，花了我一分钱都没有。
I got a free iPhone case and a tiny license plate. It says Cory. Yep, cost me zilch.
3:41
我们打断这个节目，播报特别报道。一架从旧金山飞往夸霍格的航班与空中交通管制失去联系。
We interrupt this program with a special report. A flight from San Francisco to Quahog has lost contact with air traffic control.
3:46
哦，我的天。那是你父亲的航班。政府官员正在密切监视情况。
Oh, my God. That's your father's flight. Government officials are monitoring the situation closely.
3:52
我会在这个故事进展时为你更新。接下来在中午新闻中，一对30多岁的夫妇结婚时没有他们的狗在婚礼上。
I'll be here to update you as this story progresses. Coming up on the midday news, a couple in their 30s gets married without their dog being in the wedding.
3:59
你不会相信他们的故事。我不知道你为什么这么兴奋。
You're not gonna believe their story. I don't know what you're so excited about.
4:04
罗布·格朗科斯基可能是我们能要求的最糟糕的邻居。你知道他会整天晚上都在聚会。
Rob Gronkowski is probably the worst neighbor we could ask for. You know he's gonna be partying day and night.
4:09
这可不是那个美味的朱利安·埃德尔曼。现在有一个你可以兴奋的爱国者。
It's not like it's that tasty piece of ass Julian Edelman. Now there's a patriot you can get excited about.
4:14
我知道他是外接手，但如果他不同，我就被占有了。我会接受一切。我会接受任何事情。
I know he's a wide receiver, but if he's different, I'm taken. I'll take it all. I'll take it wherever.
4:22
无论如何，去舔吧，你这个大傻瓜。我会在这里把G连接到Fata埃德尔曼。是的，伙计。什么？什么？
Anyway, go suck up, you big dumb mother. I'll be here hookin' G to Fata Edelman. Yes, man. What? What?
4:29
这个地方太棒了！完全是！嘿，你看到汤姆·西泽莫尔在浴室里用汤勺吗？
This place is awesome! Totally! Hey, did you see Tom Sizemore in the bathroom with a ladle?
4:41
你已经连续播放同一首歌14个小时了！这意味着你们很棒！我对你们的判断是正确的！
You've been playing the exact same song for 14 hours! That means you're great! I was right about you guys!
4:48
奇怪，你把这变成了对自己的赞美。好吧，我在吸可卡因！
Weird, you turned that into a compliment about yourself. Well, I'm on cocaine!
4:53
现在，在我走之前，我就喝这杯水。
Now, before I go, I'm just gonna old man drink this glass of water.
5:08
现在去上老人的厕所。哎呀。哎呀。
Now to take an old man pee. Ow. Ow.
5:16
哎呀。哎呀。哎呀。哎呀。
Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
5:22
嘿，听着，夸格迈尔，你是我们的朋友。好吧，我们不想看到你这样。
Hey, listen, Quagmire, you're our friend. All right, we hate to see you like this.
5:27
我没有朋友，只有电话里的性伴侣。你得停止这个。看起来你已经好几周没离开这个房间了。
I don't have any friends, only sex people from the phone. You've got to stop this. It looks like you haven't left this room in weeks.
5:34
没必要离开。他们都来这里。有时他们带来汉堡和奶酪。嘿，来吧，夸格迈尔。
No need to leave. They all come here. Sometimes they bring burgers and cheese. Hey, come on, Quagmire.
5:40
我们去散步吧，嗯？呼吸点新鲜空气。哦，天哪。你要在你的屁股里生个宝宝，伙计。
Let's go for a walk, huh? Get some fresh air. Oh, for God's sake. You're going to have a baby in your butt, man.
5:48
来吧，斯图伊，给你的狗一些可以发到Facebook上的东西。发到Facebook上的东西。走吧。
Come on, Stewie, give your dog something to post on Facebook. Something to post on Facebook. Let's go.
5:57
好吧，没人挡路。哦，我的天，斯图伊！
All right, and nobody's blocking. Oh, my God, Stewie!
6:04
你还好吗？退后。他可能脑震荡了。脑震荡？
Are you okay? Back off. He may have a concussion. A concussion?
6:08
你让我感到荣幸，少尉，但我的舞会卡已经满了。
You do me an honor, Lieutenant, but my dance card is full.
6:30
不错的动作，格里芬。干得好，梅格！
Nice move, Griffin. Way to go, Meg!
6:34
哇，新来的梅格·格里芬在赛道上展现了惊人的动作。惊人？当然惊人。
Wow, newcomer Meg Griffin is lighting up the track with some amazing moves. Amazing? Damn right amazing.
6:42
好吧，大家，我们要进行一些双人配合训练。哦，是的，稍微在内场一下。让我们展示一下手套，伙计们？谁想打二垒？
Okay, everybody, we're going to do some double play drills. Oh, yeah, a little infield. Let's flash some leather, huh, guys? Who wants to play second?
6:49
我来。我会。洛伊斯，你为什么不去打二垒？他怎么可能没看到？我甚至用另一只手举起了我的手臂。
I will. Lois, why don't you take second? How could he not see that? I even held up my arm with my other hand.
6:56
那是举手最明显的方式。好吧，女士们，我会尽量温和地说，
That is the most noticeable way to raise your hand. All right, ladies, I'm going to put this as gently as I can,
7:02
但似乎有人在楼梯上掉了直肠。现在，谁的？老实说。
but it appears that someone's rectum fell out on the stairs. Now, whose is it? Be honest.
7:07
好吧，这没问题，但我们达成一个规则，如果你的直肠掉在楼梯上，捡起来就是你的责任。看看那个，布莱恩。
All right, that's fine, but let's just agree on a rule that if your rectum falls out on the stairs, it's on you to pick it up. Look at that, Brian.
7:14
我们的日子刚刚开始，门口排着长队。我知道，我们正在赚大钱。
Our day has just begun, and there's a line out the door. I know, we're raking it in.
7:19
这比我在新奥尔良送披萨时容易多了。怎么回事？
This is a hell of a lot easier than when I delivered pizza in New Orleans. What the hell?
7:24
我们都在堵街。我们都在堵街。好吧，这些孩子不能留在这里。你得带走他们。
We're all just blocking the street. We're all just blocking the street. Well, these kids are not staying here. You gotta take them.
7:31
我怎么能带走他们呢？我根本不在这里。
How can I take them when I was never here?
7:39
哇，她就像墨西哥的戴维·布莱恩。等等，戴维·布莱恩是墨西哥人吗？他是什么人。彼得，忘了这个。
Wow, she's like the Mexican David Blaine. Wait, is David Blaine Mexican? He's something. Peter, forget that.
7:46
我们该怎么办？克里斯不能就这样和这些婴儿呆在一起。
What are we gonna do? Chris can't just be stuck with these babies.
7:53
哇，真是太近了。你差点把你的某个东西浸入意大利面酱里。让我帮你处理这些。谢谢你。真贴心。
Whoa, that was close. You almost dipped one of your yabos in the marinara. Let me help you with those. Why, thank you. That's so sweet.
8:01
你是第一个看起来像我丈夫并愿意提供帮助的人。哦，你一定是彼得的妻子，洛伊斯。我是拉里。
You're the first person who looks anything like my husband who's offered to help in any way. Oh, you must be Peter's wife, Lois. I'm Larry.
8:08
很高兴见到你，拉里。奇怪的手指小指握手？
It's nice to meet you, Larry. Weird hands full pinky shake?
8:15
好吧，就这样。我们也没有获得最佳剧情奖。这是绝望的。我们已经尝试了一切。不，洛伊斯，我们还没有。
Well, that's it. We didn't get best drama, either. This is hopeless. We've tried everything. No, Lois, we haven't.
8:22
但这正是我们要做的。所有的一切。我们要争取每一个艾美奖类别，从最佳特技表演开始。
But that's just what we're gonna do. Everything. We're gonna try for every single Emmy category, starting with best stunt performance.
8:32
彼得，我觉得那不是一个类别。哦，好吧。最佳纪录片。
Peter, I don't think that's a category. Oh, okay. Best documentary.
8:43
哇，那是，呃，那是个好景色。我知道，不是吗？你看到那边的岩石结构了吗？
Wow, that's, uh, that's some view. I know, isn't it? You see that rock formation over there?
8:50
我们要直接飞过它的中心。这叫做穿针引线。完全紧张。嗯，嗯，是的。
We're gonna fly right through the center of it. It's called threading the needle. Totally intense. Uh-huh, uh-huh, yeah.
8:57
或者这样？也许你从这个悬崖跳下去，我在那边转圈唱《音乐之声》。
Or how about this? Maybe you jump off this cliff, and I spin around over there and sing Sound of Music.
9:03
或者我们可以回家看《音乐之声》。羊肉？在这里买你的羊肉。克利夫兰，那些是吗？
Or we could just go home and watch Sound of Music. Goat meat? Get your goat meat here. Cleveland, are those?
9:10
是的，我对彼得失去兴趣的任何愚蠢事物有优先权。记得这个吗？去克利夫兰直升机！
Yeah, I have dibs on whatever silliness Peter loses interest in. Remember this? To the Cleveland copter!
9:19
胡子挡住了我的视线！欢迎来到我的处方本。
The mustache obscures my view! Welcome to my prescription pad.
9:29
明白了吗？我们死了。我们被射击了。冷静点。注意，有时候我的旋钮会从我的尿舱里玩捉迷藏。
Get it? We're dead. We're getting shot. Calm down. Heads up, sometimes my knob plays peekaboo through my pee hatch.
9:37
所以我听说你们需要一些苯二氮平。是的，我们得让这只狗干燥。等一下，等一下，等一下。这是我最喜欢的歌曲部分。
So I hear you guys need some benzos. Yep, we gotta dry this dog up. Hang on, hang on, hang on. This is my favorite part of the song.
9:49
马基拉！哦，我想的是另一首歌。
Maquilla! Oh, I'm thinking of a different song.
10:15
彼得，别这样！这是自杀！我仍然认为这是一个极端的措施。
Peter, don't! It's suicide! I still think this is a drastic measure.
10:21
是的，我搞砸了，但彼得做的所有愚蠢事情呢？他一生中从未被赶出去过。我的生活不是这里的问题。
Yeah, I messed up, but what about all the stupid things Peter's done? He's never been kicked out in his life. My life is not the issue here.
10:27
彼得，冷静点。你今天早上吃早餐了吗？我吃了一个香蕉和一杯咖啡。为什么我这么胖？
Peter, calm down. Did you eat breakfast this morning? I had a banana and a coffee. Why am I so fat?
10:34
对不起，布莱恩，但事情就是这样。好吧，我想这就是告别。
I'm sorry, Brian, but this is the way it has to be. All right, then. I guess this is goodbye.
10:41
布莱恩，等一下！这个项圈是我们的。上面有我们的地址。再见，伙计。我们得走了！我们得现在走！哦！
Brian, wait! This collar is ours. It has our address on it. Peace, dude. We gotta go! We gotta go now! Oh!
10:55
亲爱的上帝，请给我一个6尺7寸的金发女人，她喜欢喝酒直到失去知觉。
Dear Lord, please send me a 6'7 blonde woman who likes to drink until she blacks out.
11:04
我想我们的祈祷搞混了。斯图伊，快出来！斯图伊！斯图伊！
I think we got our prayers crossed. Stewie, get out of there! Stewie! Stewie!
11:12
得引起他的注意。天哪，真短。哦，天啊。
Gotta get his attention. Man, just short. Oh, God.
11:33
该吃无花果布丁了！耶！看起来他们在没有你时玩得很开心。
Time for figgy pudding! Yay! Seems like they're having a good time without you.
11:39
哦，他们只是在假装开心。我相信他们想念我。我们可能应该打电话给德德。你是说爸爸？
Oh, they're just pretending to have fun. I'm sure they miss me. We should probably call Durd. You mean Dad?
11:45
不，是那个和妈妈睡觉的胖家伙。你们在说德德吗？再来点香槟吗，小姐？小姐？
No, the fat guy who sleeps with Mom. You guys talking about Durd? More champagne, Miss? Miss?
11:52
哦，我的。已经很久没有人叫我小姐了。哇。圣诞快乐，嗯？
Oh, my. It's been a long time since anybody's called me Miss. Wow. Merry Christmas, huh?
11:58
直男餐厅
Straight restaurant
12:27
该死，斯图伊。就坐在那里，好吗？我来帮我们起来。我不想要你的帮助。好吧，你需要，所以这就发生了。
Damn it, Stewie. Just sit there, will ya? I'll get us up. I didn't want your help. Well, you need it, so it's happening.
12:36
这不会让我原谅你，你知道的。没关系。我会一路上说你屁股的坏话。继续。
This isn't going to make me forgive you, you know. That's fine. I'm going to say uncomplimentary things about your ass the whole way. Go ahead.
12:43
你知道，也许你是我的搭车者是合适的。鲁珀特总是叫你我的小婊子。想知道他还叫你什么吗？胖小姑娘。
You know, maybe it's appropriate that you're my ride-up. Rupert always called you my bitch. Want to know some of the other things he called you? Fat lassie.
12:50
沃森，我不知道该怎么告诉你，但我们一直在寻找的凶手，是你的未婚妻，康斯坦斯。
Watson, I don't know how to tell you this, but the murderer we've been looking for, it's your fiancé, Constance.
12:57
你在说谎。你只是嫉妒。好吧，我们去她的地方，我会给你看。哦，抱歉。今天是你们的清洁日。
You lie. You're just jealous. Well, let's go to her place and I'll show you. Oh, sorry. Today was y'all's cleaning day.
13:04
你们想让我稍后再回来吗？也许，也许，好的。也许，也许另一天。没关系。我会撤回。慢点来。
Y'all want me to come back later? Maybe, maybe, yeah. Maybe, maybe another day. That's fine. I'll pull out. Just go easy.
13:11
进来的时候真的很痛。哎，哎，哎。哎，哎，哎，哎。
It really hurt on the way in. Ow, ow, ow. Ow, ow, ow, ow.
13:18
我们准备好攻击了吗？我们准备好了，很多人会死。那是什么鬼？
Are we ready to attack? We are, and many people will die. What the hell's that?
13:29
我们准备好攻击了吗？我们准备好了，很多人会死。哦，我的天。
Are we ready to attack? We are, and many people will die. Oh, my God.
13:34
那些邪恶的兄弟会计划毁掉春假。他们只录了两句对话。我们准备好攻击了吗？
Those evil frat boys are planning to kill Spring Break. And they only had time to record two lines of dialogue. Are we ready to attack?
13:42
我们准备好了，很多人会死。嘿，杰罗姆。嘿，彼得。我有个坏消息。
We are, and many people will die. Hey, Jerome. Hey, Peter. I have some bad news.
13:49
我妈妈，她死了。哦，天哪，真糟糕，洛伊斯。你的朋友可能只是嫉妒。彼得！
My mama, she's dead. Oh, man, that sucks, Lois. Your friend is probably just jealous. Peter!
13:55
我这里没有什么可以留恋的了，所以我明天就回家。那幅画是我唯一的纪念。
There's nothing left for me here, so I'm coming home tomorrow. That painting's all I got to remember her by.
14:01
你要好好照顾它，彼得。它是我最珍贵的财产。我明天见。
You take good care of it, Peter. It's my prized possession. I'll see you tomorrow.
14:10
我们要乘快艇深入丛林。又是那首歌。
We're taking a swift boat deep into the jungle. That song again.
14:15
我的命根子甚至会在我去妓院时播放《幸运儿》。
My penis would even play Fortunate Son while I was visiting a whorehouse.
14:25
哦，天哪，那太可怕了。你一定听过其他的歌。是的，有的。
Oh, Lord, that's horrible. There must have been some other song you heard. Yeah, there was.
14:32
那首《这里发生了什么》的歌。草地，雪花，微风穿过玉米田，
That There's Something Happening Here song. Meadows, snowflakes, breeze through a cornfield,
14:42
一只飞翔的鸟。雨打在金属屋顶上。嘿，彼得，我需要你填写你的工时卡。
A soaring bird. Rain on a metal roof. Hey, Peter, I'm gonna need you to fill out your time card.
14:47
好的，没问题，我会在今天结束前完成。没事的。
Yeah, sure, I'll have it by the end of the day. It's okay.
14:55
我们会雇新的人，明天重新开始。彼得，我真不敢相信你的脱口秀对酿酒厂来说如此受欢迎。
We'll hire new people and start again tomorrow. Peter, I can't believe your talk show is such a huge hit for the brewery.
15:02
多亏了这一点，我现在成了一个巨大的社交媒体明星。
And thanks to that, I'm now a huge social media star.
15:08
哦，我的天，那是什么鬼？你好，格里芬一家。我通过客厅全息影像现场直播。
Oh, my God, what the hell is that? Hello, Griffin family. I'm coming to you live via living room hologram.
15:14
我是帕克·斯坦顿，Boop的首席执行官，硅谷最强大的公司。你知道斯金先生吗？哈哈！
I'm Parker Stanton, CEO of Boop, the most powerful company in Silicon Valley. Do you know Mr. Skin? Ha ha!
15:22
我们稍后再谈。奎因米尔，你失去理智了吗？我会拿着这把枪，直到你开始清醒。
We'll talk later. Quangmire, have you lost your mind? I'm holding this gun until you start thinking straight.
15:28
用它对自己。还有不止一颗子弹。是的，想想，或许你应该拿着这个。你知道，也许你应该拿着这个，彼得。
Use it on yourself. There's more than one bullet. Yeah, on second thought, maybe you should hold this. You know, maybe you should hold this, Peter.
15:35
彼得，你可以和我一起免费吃玉米饼。成功了！轮回存在吗？
Peter, you could get free tacos with me. It worked! Does reincarnation exist?
15:42
存在。作为过去的人类生活或作为动物？都有。我曾经是谁？你是亨利八世。哇！让我说完。
It does. As past human lives or as animals? Both. Who have I been? You were Henry VIII. Wow! Let me finish.
15:50
你是亨利，第八个在他的泳池派对上和洛克·哈德森发生性关系的人。哦。
You were Henry, the eighth guy to have sex with Rock Hudson at one of his pool parties. Aw.
15:56
约翰·斯塔莫斯还会有多少个节目？零。好。那……那很好。
How many more shows is John Stamos gonna get? Zero. Good. That's... That's good.